I really want to write to you. It seems so difficult though, as these days I’m in a very dark place. I never want to infect my work with a lot of darkness because I believe in the power of good news and good thoughts. But I am very much in a dark, dark place.
This place is familiar. I have been here before, on the edge of life where every decision is a real affirming thing. Waking up and getting out of bed, the need to supply the body food and to try to be as human as possible, but you know you can’t really get it done today. Nope, the body and the mind just don’t have it.
And let’s make this story even murkier, the darkness has a friend.
He is living here with his dad who needs help himself. He is an addict and a liar. He is a thief and a thug and he is really not wanted here but he persists. He somehow ends up pissing everyone off every day. It’s on its way out but it’s going to destroy everything in its path on its way out.
That is my life on the surface. That is just what is going on physically. I am bent mentally as well.
I have been declared able to work and since have been following my dream to get my Certified Nursing Certificate back and to work as a home health aide, private duty. In the mean time I need cash so I apply at a few places and I take a job.
When I on boarded they asked for way too much medical information for my liking and that led to a confrontation that was demeaning and vile. I was fired because of my HIV status and it was a punch in my gut. How could an advocate like me let an entity disgrace me like that? What do I do about it?
My personality disorder has been teetering on destruction and so I have not been feeling the writing thing and I certainly didn’t feel like I could help anyone, now that I have been violated that way.
I believe I need you more now than I have ever needed you but it is so hard to talk to you about all of this. I need you, and I will reach out for you. I need to be able to say what I feel again, and to be open with you about my journey.
As of March I am still undetectable, my CD4 count is 450, and I am at my target weight of 155lbs. I am so happy to be healthy and that I have access to the best team of medical professionals. I am healthy in the body and I am strong.
My mother is very ill. Cancer is a darkness that lingers and attacks at 3am. It starts to erode the hope and light. She knows now that she needs to change some things she never thought she’d have to. I am here, I will be her light.
I am well placed to be a CNA; I have the opportunity to care for a private duty client, and to be here to care for my mother. This darkness can’t kill all the light. I will be the light.
I will be the light in this darkness. But it is hard to blog to you about this. It is hard to feel all of this and talk to you about it. I am the light.
I am the light.