I am the Light – The return of Your Friend David

I really want to write to you. It seems so difficult though, as these days I’m in a very dark place. I never want to infect my work with a lot of darkness because I believe in the power of good news and good thoughts. But I am very much in a dark, dark place.

This place is familiar. I have been here before, on the edge of life where every decision is a real affirming thing. Waking up and getting out of bed, the need to supply the body food and to try to be as human as possible, but you know you can’t really get it done today. Nope, the body and the mind just don’t have it.

And let’s make this story even murkier, the darkness has a friend.

He is living here with his dad who needs help himself. He is an addict and a liar. He is a thief and a thug and he is really not wanted here but he persists. He somehow ends up pissing everyone off every day. It’s on its way out but it’s going to destroy everything in its path on its way out.

That is my life on the surface. That is just what is going on physically. I am bent mentally as well.

I have been declared able to work and since have been following my dream to get my Certified Nursing Certificate back and to work as a home health aide, private duty. In the mean time I need cash so I apply at a few places and I take a job.

When I on boarded they asked for way too much medical information for my liking and that led to a confrontation that was demeaning and vile. I was fired because of my HIV status and it was a punch in my gut. How could an advocate like me let an entity disgrace me like that? What do I do about it?

My personality disorder has been teetering on destruction and so I have not been feeling the writing thing and I certainly didn’t feel like I could help anyone, now that I have been violated that way.

I believe I need you more now than I have ever needed you but it is so hard to talk to you about all of this. I need you, and I will reach out for you. I need to be able to say what I feel again, and to be open with you about my journey.

As of March I am still undetectable, my CD4 count is 450, and I am at my target weight of 155lbs. I am so happy to be healthy and that I have access to the best team of medical professionals. I am healthy in the body and I am strong.

My mother is very ill. Cancer is a darkness that lingers and attacks at 3am. It starts to erode the hope and light. She knows now that she needs to change some things she never thought she’d have to. I am here, I will be her light.

I am well placed to be a CNA; I have the opportunity to care for a private duty client, and to be here to care for my mother. This darkness can’t kill all the light. I will be the light.

I will be the light in this darkness. But it is hard to blog to you about this. It is hard to feel all of this and talk to you about it. I am the light.

I am the light.

Welcome to The Crimson Lifeline!

Welcome to the official website for the “Crimson Lifeline”. I’ve been away for a while and a little rusty but I am here, none the less.

 

I almost rebranded myself to something like “Singularity ME” because of the reasons I left for a while. I felt like the internet became a destructive place, and I felt that creating there was almost impossible. I wanted to avoid the politics and social warfare that have been dominating the web. I certainly wanted nothing to do with Twitter anymore. Facebook became private, personal, and closed off. I just wanted to talk about my life, my experiences. Nothing else.

 

So, a singularity sounded dope.

 

Past the event horizon, a volatile place of destruction, and creation, lies the singularity. The point of infinite mass. The reality bending, swirling motion of the boundary of time and space coaleces into our souls. We carry a singularity in our hearts, and from that point all matter abounds.

 

The glory of the infinite cannot be contained, and as a result we emit, just like a black hole, a gamma ray burst. Radiating in all directions to the boundaries of the universe, our singularity fills the darkness with light and substance. And if you look closely, each black hole creates its own system, born of the DNA of the source point. Like fingerprint, singular.

 

This only strengthens my resolve to keep the original branding, and to jump into actually owning the rights to a domain for it. It is only logical that this is the next step, if I were moving forward. I don’t have to really even talk about politics, there’s much more going on. I don’t have to address social issues that drain my emotions. Let that be for the pundants, they get paid to do that sort of thing.

 

No, I won’t be choosing a side this time. I have my own opinions, and they will color my creation, as all opinions and personal positions will do. That is a given, but I just won’t abide the social warfare. I will not tolerate monochrome bad eggs.

 

That’s what I call these people, monochrome. Because honestly all I hear is black and white, Red and Yellow. Monochrome musings that have only one color, throughout the whole thing. I am a colorful person. I love color and I respect color. I am half blind, so I have a certain affinity for beautiful things. Color seasons the whole world. It sweetens the stew.

 

There are so many colors, so many ways to see. I just can’t contain the color of this world. I have a joy in my heart that seeks to be expressed, and social warfare is no place for it. So if you’re trolling, stay away. I really can’t care for your opinion, because I can’t change them, and I don’t have to live with them.

 

Nope! You can have no more of my joy! I will not allow it. I’ll dispense it as I wish, and I intend to be liberal. I want to just pour my joy out on you. A drink offering, a blessing of love, and a place of safety.

 

You can tell me anything, and you can share with me anything. Just remember that sharing should be regulated by caring. I care about your opinion, even when we don’t agree. Please care for mine in kind, and I will assure you unique content, and insightful expression.

 

Lets CO-CREATE together!

 

I present to you…

The Crimson Lifeline Blog

With love and blessings,

Your Friend Davi