So high he forgot his coffee…

I get up naturally at about 430am every morning. It’s something I’ve done for ages since my stint in the military. I try to use the quiet time to meditate, blog, and to prepave my day. It’s helpful for me.

But this morning was a little different. As you have heard I live between two active addicts. I have to count my medications twice daily to make sure that I’m not enabling them just by having my medications in the house. I hide them in places, never in the same place twice.

This morning the boy is awake. I call him a boy because he’s never really acted like a man. He is so flipping lit on whatever he is on that I’m sure that he’s on his way to a really bad case of withdrawal once the drugs wear off.

In the meantime, he is attempting to do laundry. My mother’s clothing was still in the dryer, she had a long week so she is sleeping in. He almost went back to deliver them to her. Well, I think I just saved his life because if you wake that beast, she will rip your throat out. And I would let her.

I know it’s hard to quit, but he’s not even trying. I am daily scrutinized for my legal medications, that I take as prescribed, but this foolishness is tolerated for some ungodly reason. It’s a real bummer to have to deal with my own recovery and watch another say he’s in treatment, all the while abusing it.

I have been off my drug of choice for decades now. I fully feel recovered; I don’t need that kind of life. Some people just don’t know how to cope without hiding in a drug induced stupor.

He left the meal my mother cooked for him in the microwave again. Undoubtedly, he forgot that he heated it up so it went into the trash. He was working on the back door and got about half way through; I doubt it will be done today. He made himself a coffee in the Keurig but has now forgotten it’s there. I’m taking bets on how long it takes him to remember he did that.

I really have a hard time living here because I am the black sheep. I am the problem somehow.
Well fuck that.
I am not actively high, and if I need help I know where my local NA is and who my sponsor is. I’ll get help. He goes to a suboxone clinic and he abuses that too. I don’t see how that kind of treatment helps. Substitution therapy is bull.

The way out is to admit you have a problem that you have no control over. You cannot manage your life and you need help, not from man, but from your higher power. Man will fail you, God never fails. I know this, and I live by it. One day at a time.

So now the house is waking up and I am about to hide because I want nothing to do with the outcome of this. I have warned my grandfather gently that there is a big problem, but he won’t do anything to help at all. I’ll get blamed, or it will be me that is the problem if I say anything more. So I am here saying it to you.

I don’t know how much more I can take of this nonsense. It’s been an hour since he made that cup of coffee, and it’s still sitting there. I believe it won’t be drunk at all. I put a full hundred on it. I’ll be rich by noon.

Get help, find a local NA/AA meeting, see a qualified psychologist and just take the first step. It’s the hardest step but you can do it. I did. You will feel pain, but that is what being human means. If you don’t feel pain you’re not really alive. Teach your brain to find ways to get that happy chemical going without your substance. It takes time and hard work but you can do it.

If you are in danger, and you need help I am always here. Search me out, I’ll talk you through it. We can go together into recovery, and you will be whole again soon. But it takes that first step. One baby step.

In continual recovery and unconditional love,
Your Friend David

Addiction and Substance abuse help – A moment with “Your Friend David”

I come from a long line of addicts. Those addicted to alcohol, drugs, food… I have seen every vice turn people into disrespectful fools. I know this isn’t the accepted response to a “disease” but hear me out. I know what I’m talking about.

 

I received a letter of Accomplishment from the US Navy for my work with service members who had substance abuse issues. Generally once they were in my care, they were either waiting for a Court Martial, or so ordered to submit to treatment. This was a direct order, and I had the full power of a full bird Navy Captain as my direct supervisor. If you didn’t submit, you were committed.

 

I have heard every excuse. From the age of about 3, I have heard it. I have had to resuscitate my mother more than once for an overdose. My brother continually steals and pawns everything he can get his hands on. My father, who is addressing his issues, has always been a drinker, a functional addict.

 

However functional you think you are, you are still not respecting anyone and anything you have around you, including yourself. Why should I have any empathy or sympathy, if you won’t respect the doctors, your family, and yourself? It’s beyond me why an addict wants to drag people into their problem.

 

Is it just plain misery? I know that misery loves company, and in my particular case, I’ve been drug into this problem. I am not going to stand here next to miserable for long; I have far too much to do.

 

About a year ago, she was arrested for DUI. She fell at home and took herself to the hospital. She called me, messed up and insisting she was ok to drive. I begged her to stay home and I would be there in the morning. Talking sense to an insane person is a waste of time. On an opiate, she tried to drive, and bumped another driver.

 

The police were called, and she was arrested. The courts took a long time to resolve this. Many continuances and many meetings with lawyers, and she pled No Contest. She pled that way because she knew, and her lawyer knew she was guilty, but a no contest plea is not a guilty plea. She threw herself at the tender mercies of the courts.

 

They sentenced her to a year of probation, drug tests, and a litany of other obligations. She showed up to all her probation meetings, never failed a test. I thought maybe she had learned her lesson. Not so. Now she is awaiting a court date because she did not complete her court assigned probation terms.

 

Mind you, this all happened in 2014, and today she is still not clear. She avoids talking about her case, but she requires me to attend to her every need. She is still using, and there is nothing I can do to stop her. That is a personal decision.

 

Addiction, while dangerous to the addict, is more threatening to a bystander. I was here to give her some respite from her home health care she is attending to. I enjoyed taking care of her little lady, but just giving her that much time was putting her over the edge. Idle hands are the devils workshop. She needs wall to wall responsibility. She works for her 6 days a week, and then when she is off, she cleans the house, all the while bitching and complaining.

 

I have only one thing to say to an addict of this caliber…
I have no respect for you, as you won’t even respect yourself. You are a monster and you need help. I am not your son today. I will put your ass in jail so fast you won’t have time to blink. I have had just about enough of your bullshit and as I am an adult and you are too…. Get off the cross honey, we need the wood. Until she actively seeks help for her problems, I am not her son. I am sad, but also I know this is the only way to rock bottom.
Rock bottom is the only place an addict can be that will cause them to begin to choose better life choices. You can either choose to change, or die alone. That is that. Once an addict hits rock bottom, they immediately begin to thrash about, looking for someone to care. NO ONE CARES NOW. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.

 

I really just want to go to the court next week and testify that she still has a problem and she did not complete her probation, which means she deserves jail. Thirty days would hopefully be a wakeup call. Then again, it’s been 35 years of this, so I’m sure it will never change.

 

This is addiction, it is not a disease, and it is a weakness. A weakness of resolve. Shut the hell up, and do something about your problem. If you are actively seeking help through a rehab program that includes therapy to assist in behavior modification, I might have a little more empathy. Not just substitution therapies like Suboxone or Methadone only. That is just a legal way to get high.

 

If it is unsafe for you to quit your addiction because of withdrawals, you need inpatient treatment. I regularly admitted hundreds of Marines into the hospital for weeks on end so be sure that they were safe. I don’t know if that is her issue, but the active part of the rehab process is just not happening.

 

So in closing I say this, and I only will say it one more time. I will not put up with an addict stealing any more of my happiness, or my love. Yes, this is my mother we are talking about, but I don’t remember a time when she wasn’t a raging pill addict. I hope they put her in the jail to prove to her this is not sustainable. The first step in the 12 steps it takes to break an addiction is to recognize that your life has become unmanageable and the you have no control.

 

Been waiting all my life. I won’t wait another second.

________________________________________________________________

LINKS TO HELP AND CARE:

Please seek help by finding your local NA/AA groups, going to regular therapy, and if you are unsafe and you know you won’t make it, admit yourself into the hospital. But DON’T DRAG ME THROUGH IT. A lack of moral fortitude on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Get to know and respect your sponsor. They have a real understanding of the perils of addiction. They are the most qualified to assist your efforts. Sponsors are available for every craving. All you need to do is go to the meetings, meet other recovering addicts, and make friends.

The friends you make could mean the difference. I know because I have been there too.
Please seek help:
NA National search and information: https://na.org/
AA National search and information: http://www.aa.org/

 

With all the love and respect in the universe,
“Your Friend David.”