Good Day my Lovlies, I have missed you all so…..
I felt the need to explain my absence to you for many months now. I know that I needed to step away for a while to get my bearings with my own experience, as I have been presented with quite a few life lessons, learned in very hard ways.
Essentially we are nothing but molecules caught in the ebb and flow of the sea of life. Unseen forces, tides, move us closer and then farther away from our intended reality. The tides take us beyond our limitations and then back to the lows of lack of intention.
When we are farther from our intentions it is easy to try to “reinvent the wheel” when nothing is really broken. It is a trap, that can keep you silent and once you try, you find yourself pushed back to your intentions. It’s a cycle, and it is immutable.
Riding the tides is the goal of every human learning to be content. And we all can be content whether the tide is low or the tide is high. But here’s the rub, we don’t like it both ways. We become jaded to the highs and the lows. After all, the human organism strives for homeostasis – the state of equilibrium. Life is not homeostatic. It is a flow; it can be a trickle or a deluge.
So when yet another seemingly incurable disorder popped into my existence I lost my voice for a while.
So as you all know I am striving to be a nursing professional. I have been tested and while I passed the written exam, I failed the clinical exam. I literally had no time to study the skills and on top of that I choked. My mind went absolutely black as the test started, and this may have been a real blow to my ego, if it weren’t for the actual test result. I passed all but one skill, and that was because of my mental state.
The tide kept flowing out. My aid job, that was so wonderfully fulfilling took a turn. My patient fell on my only day away from her, and ended up needing inpatient therapy. She is declining, and in her state she may never come back to her home. It is time to think about her safety and her happiness, it may be time to think about longer term care. This is sad but it is the progression of dementia. I always knew these days would come.
And the hits keep on coming. My mother has been diagnosed with stage three lung cancer, and over the past few months, while keeping her secret, I have been trying to nurse her through the gauntlet of Medicaid, radiation and chemotherapy, and disability. She is a very private person so I was not allowed to talk about what I was feeling. I will leave this subject this way… I have already fought a not so incurable disease, I got this.
So the fact I’ve been silent does not mean I’ve been static. My HIV has taken a backseat, finally, to everything else in my life. It almost seems like a topic not even worth talking about when put back to back with all the other things I have on my plate.
But HIV cannot be a topic that we stop fighting for. Cancer cannot be a topic we cannot be complacent about. With the advances in medicine and the research moving toward a cure for all illnesses we must press on, and keep the focus.
So for my comeback statement I have but one thing to say:
“We don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Cancer sucks, and AIDS blows. And we can cure them both!”
Stay tuned for more.
In Unconditional Love,
Your Friend David