As most of you guys know, I was considered disabled. I won my case a few years back and the check and Medicare were a godsend. I used all of the resources that were offered to me to recover.
I battled my immune system, my body always in pain. I battled my mind, always in the worst places, believing I was worthless. I battled my vision loss and how that made me feel so trapped in a world inside my own head. I dealt with the stigma and the shame.
When the government said they were reviewing my disability I freaked out. If my benefits stopped how was I to pay my bills, or see doctors I needed? Would I end up on the street, homeless again? How would I keep my standard of living that I fought so hard for.
It wasn’t easy to get disability. Many find it impossible, but I had a lot of help. I called a great lawyer and I have a decent case manager who assisted me in compiling the information they needed. I gave up on being able, and I succumbed to the fact I would never be the same again.
HIV, blindness, and bipolar took so much from me. I lost friends, my freedom, my independence. All these damn disorders owe me a debt that almost cant be repaid.
And then on my birthday, I get this big envelope with 15 pages of questions reviewing my disability. I saw my doctors, as I was recommended. They all said “don’t worry, you’ll stay disabled. You will never be better.”
In January, I received the last letter I would receive from Social Security. It said after review, my condition had improved and I was now not disabled. I had three more months of benefits and then no more. I was, to say it bluntly, blown out of my soul.
I have since had to move into a place I am not taken seriously. I live with people who are so much worse off than I am that I have to hide in my dark places so that I don’t feel their misery.
Never ending applications for employment then ensued. I count as of this post over 20 different places I have applied to, and I have had only one response. That is good. I only need one fish to feed me. I don’t eat that much.
Of all places it is McDonalds that seems to be taking me seriously. I have an interview on Monday and I hope that they will see I am totally able now to do anything they need. Hell, I’ll take a cut in the base pay and clean their toilets with a toothbrush if it means a steady paycheck. I am ex-military so I can do anything.
So I put on my smile, that great big beautiful smile, and I press my trousers crisp. I want to look like the sharpest man on the planet. I need this job. I need it to feel worthy, and to feel like I am a productive member of society again.
I do some volunteer work, and I am constantly on here helping people so I always have something joyful to do, but that don’t pay the bills. Money pays the bills, and I need to make some.
I aspire to be recertified as a CNA, and I am working on specializing as much as I can to care for the newly diagnosed HIV patients. I have been there, and I know it takes a lot to stay in care, and to recover. The protocols for success are rigid, but totally worth it.
My viral load has been undetectable for years now, and so I know that I am in no danger of transmitting this virus to anyone else. But to get there took time and patience. It took hard work and love. To be able to type this to you took years of doing things that my doctors laughed at me for.
For instance, video games helped me to strengthen my good eye. Walking up dangerous highways and taking the bus everywhere challenged my fear of the world. I got into some good mental health treatment so my bipolar is managed. My doctor says I am a miracle. I say I am a trooper and a man of steel. I can do anything I put my heart into.
So this morning’s message is, don’t give up. When they say you can’t, and you know you can, then do it. When you feel lonely, there are thousands of lonely people out there, so find one. When you are in need, there are even more then you, who need. Give to them.
Let life pass through the molecular machine that God made you. If you don’t believe in a God, that’s good because nothing I just said above is religious or spiritual. It is the law of life and of living. It’s the sacred law of attraction. Give to the world what you want in return. Prove me wrong!
“Fret not, for it only causes harm.” Put your trust in your higher power and let the work begin. It’s up to you to make your life, so make it joyful. I promise you will reap great rewards.
And in the meantime, I am your friend. I will be here through the ups and the downs. I know you are a beautiful creative force. I’ll believe in you when you can’t believe in yourself.
That’s my job.
Unconditionally loving you,
Your Friend David